Realizations.

     I had no plans to write tonight, but I am wide awake and don't want to force myself to go to bed because I really don't want to dream right now.
      I'm sure you remember yesterdays story of my giant man-harem that I can't account for. Well, sadly, that trip down amnesia lane stirred up so much more than the realization that I am a popular girl with a bad memory.

     Toward the end of 1996, I went to broadcasting school. I loved it. Being at that school taught me that I had some unknown talents and that having a lisp was not necessarily a bad thing. It also introduced me to people that I will never forget. I met Greg shortly after I started school and he was wonderful; what a great guy. I acually had a thing for him ( SO CUTE!!) and nearly choked to death on my cheeseburger when he revealed to me that he was gay. I was the first person Greg came out to, and for some reason, that cemented a bond that still exists today. Greg and I were roomates for 18 months. He helped me choose outfits for dates and let me cry on his shoulder when I discovered that the jerk I'd gone out with (Bob, perhaps?) wasn't worth the time we'd spent going through my closet. We visited one anothers parents and grandparents together and even got to know each other siblings. In fact, for the first several months that we lived together, many people were conviced that we were an item. It wasn't until they learned that we were "batting for the same team", that they gave up planning our wedding.
     Shortly after I met Greg, I met another fellow student named Matt. Matt was charismatic, beautiful and couldn't have been gayer if his name was "Gay Gayerson". I have no idea how some people thought that he and I were an item, but they did. Matt was so fun. We would ditch school to drive a rented convertible along the coast, attend countless parties, go dancing, etc. He even talked me into pretending to be interested in this girl named Mindy just so he could spend the evening with her roommate Alex. That was a LONG evening. I mean, not only did I not date women, but if I did, I certainly would not date a crazy goth chick with questionable hygene and suicidal tendencies. I finally had to pretend to be ill and force Matt to get me the crap outta there. I was a good friend.
     As I was going through the boxes yesterday, i found dozens and dozens of pictures of Mattie. It hurt. For some reason, after I got married, Matt disconnected himself from me. I tracked him down when Noah was 3, but after a few phone visits, he clearly had no interest in the friendship. I called him every few months for a few years; even sent him an email. Nothing. No response. In 2009, I gave up. I lost his phone number, threw away his email address and decided that it just was what it was. Then I spent the next 2 years being very careful not to think about him. Until I found the pictures yeaterday. Holy crap, did that mess my head up. As I was flipping out over "what's his name and company", I wondered why it couldn't be Matthew that I'd forgotten. I put the pictures on top of the piano and started to try to look him up. I know where he last worked and thought about calling. I sat at my computer and cried. My heart was breaking all over again. It was awful.
     And then something, or rather, someone, came to my mind. My dear, wonderful Greg. He has remained a constant in my life. It was Gregory who flew to Oklahoma for my wedding, and who returned a year later to meet my newborn son. It was Greg who forgave me for making an awful mistake and spoke to me again after swearing that he never would. He came to see me before Sarah was born. He came to see me 2 Autumns ago. He has remained interested and has remained constant in my life and the lives of my children. My kids know him as "Uncle Grapes". My husband adores him. He is always available to me and has never outgrown me. Oh, how I love that wonderful man.
     Thinking about Greg and his loyalty does not take away the hurt caused by Matt. I dreamed about him all night...but in my dreams, he wasn't constantly there. He just popped in and out. I could not count on him to be there. I thought about that long and hard this morning. Isn't that what it comes down to? I couldn't count on him. I don't know why he decided to be done with me. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I was a good friend. I think he probably has pleasant memories of me, but just no need for me. And really, that's okay. Theres no law that you have to stay involved in someones life. It's probably better this way, as we do have very different views and lifestyles.
     I will always love Mattie. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of the pictures, which is silly because I don't like to look at them because they make me sad.
     BUT, I realize that he only counts for part of my past. And I am grateful for that because it was fun. Greg, on the other hand, counts for not only a lot of my past, but (most likely) the rest of my life. As I sit here, I realize that I ended up with the friend I would choose; the friend who has always chosen me. It doesn't get better than that.